Voicemail
by kenzcraw
Summary: Maybe Alex was right. Maybe she wasn't part of the family. Maybe it was time to let the Danvers go. (Companion piece to Unknown Number, from Kara's POV)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello hello my lovelies! It's been a hot minute!**

 **So this is the start of something I toyed with a lot as I was writing Unknown Number. And to be honest, I've hesitated a lot in starting to really write it because I knew it would be so** ** _hard_** **to write, just because Kara is so heartbroken for the majority of the story. But I decided to go ahead and take a stab at it mainly because I was curious. I spent a lot of time getting into Alex's head, I kinda want to explore Kara's. And partly because this hiatus is killing me and I miss the Danvers sisters and the Superfam.**

 **For those of you who read Unknown Number, you know they get a happy ending. And if you haven't read Unknown Number, you don't have to read it to understand this one. All you need to know is that this takes place after the episode Homecoming, and I suppose acts as an alternate for Exodus. Alex and Kara haven't talked about their fight about Jeremiah and Alex has been pushing Kara away.**

 **Oh, and announcement! I'm on tumblr now, kenzcraw13! Hit me up if you want to chat Supergirl, or anything else, really. I'm not picky.**

 **Anyhoo, this first chapter is short and not sweet** ** _at all_** **, but let me know what you guys think. Onwards!**

I swing around the doorframe into Alex's lab the Friday after Jeremiah... left – again – and plop down on my stool. She doesn't glance up from where she has tweezers buried in the mechanics of her alien gun.

"So," I start, "I have pizza and potstickers on the way to my place. Do you want me to-"

"Maggie and I have plans." She doesn't even look up. Her eyes stay focused on the gun as she moves her tweezers minutely.

For a moment, I just stare at her while she works, not completely understanding what she means. My heart starts to ache.

 _You're either part of the family, or you're not._

I shake the memory away before tears can sting my eyes. "Oh," I say, and have to clear my suddenly tight throat. "Okay. Yeah, that's… Yeah. Awesome."

Alex still doesn't look up, and I clench my jaw to ward off a sudden urge to cry. _You're either part of the family, or you're not._

I slide off the stool. "Next week, then."

"Yeah. Sure."

I hesitate at the doorframe, watching my sister tinker with her gun, eyes fixated on whatever it is she's working on. I absently tap the frame, wanting to say something but not really sure what. And when Alex still doesn't look at me, I retreat silently and hurl myself out the window and into the skies.

This is the first sister night I've spent alone in… I can't even remember how long.

 _You're either part of the family, or you're not._

I shake her words away again, throwing my momentum forward so fast it feels like I left my lungs behind. Which is a small relief. The city lights blur together, the desert races to meet me, and I shoot upwards. Through the clouds and straight up. Like I can reach the stars if I fly fast enough, fly high enough.

 _She loves me. She's just mad. She loves me._

A week, a couple Supergirl fights, and a lot of midnight flights later, I'm edging into Alex's lab again. She's writing something down in her lab notes and barely shoots me a glance over the paper.

"Hey," I say, settling on the stool. My stomach is in knots and twists painfully when she merely jerks her chin at me in response. "Pizza or potstickers? Or both?"

"Kinda busy tonight," Alex says, turning away and fiddling with her test tubes.

My heart clenches and my eyes burn. I take a deep, quiet breath. "Okay," I say, voice quiet but still shaking. "Just… Don't work too hard."

"Yup." And then she's striding right past me and out the door without even looking at me.

I'm back in the clouds a split second later, listening to her steadily thumping heartbeat over the pained racing of my own. The squeezing in my chest is an old but familiar feeling, and it takes me a second of hurtling through the air at the speed of sound to place the tightening in my heart.

Lost. I feel lost.

 _She still loves me. She still loves me. She still loves me._

 _She promised. She's not abandoning me. She promised._

I lean in the doorway seven long days later, swallowing the lump in my throat as I watch Alex flit around her lab. Writing down notes, tapping at the keyboard on her laptop that's sitting precariously close to the edge of her crammed work table.

"Am I ordering for two tonight?" _Please say yes, please forgive me, please let me back in._

Alex shakes her head without looking up and my heart plummets. "Not tonight. Kinda busy."

 _I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm so so sorry._

"Okay," I mumble instead of everything I want to say. "I'll, um… I'll see you later."

"See ya." She still doesn't look at me. And now that I can't ignore it, I can't remember the last time she looked, really _looked_ , at me. I think it's when she threw those words at me. When she glared at me with an anger and malice that she had never directed at me before.

Tears burn in my eyes and my chest throbs. But I retreat back out and launch myself into the sky, not letting the tears fall until I'm high enough that even my cousin won't hear.

And then I can't contain it anymore. The weight of loneliness, of grief, of loss that has been building is so overwhelming that I'm gasping and heaving for breath. My eyes burn and I paint the stars and clouds blue with Heat Vision, screaming in an attempt to get this… thing, this writhing storm, out of me. Out of my chest where it's crushing and consuming.

 _You're either part of the family, or you're not._

I guess I have my answer.

It takes all the strength I have in me to stay aloft, to not crumple thousands of feet down to the earth with the weight of not belonging, of being lost on a planet without the love of my sister and her family.

 _You always knew this could happen_ , I think bitterly. I've always been very aware that one day, Alex could look at me and remember that I'm the reason she lost her dad. I'm the reason she was so pressured as a kid. I'm the reason she has to risk her life day in and day out. One day, she would look at me and hate what I've done to her life. And she would be fully within her rights to not love me anymore.

I've always known this could happen. Even braced myself for it a few times. I just… Didn't think it would feel like this.

I didn't think it would feel like being adrift in the Phantom Zone again. Like I just watched my world die and now I'm stuck in a place of no light and no meaning.

And I don't think I'm going to get out of this one.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello hello! I love you all and your awesome reviews. Seriously, you all really know how to make a girl smile. Thank you so much for your reviews/faves/follows!**

 **Just a warning, I'm starting fire school in the next couple weeks, and my life is going to be pretty much over until mid-December. I will do my very best to update this story as regularly as possible, but it might be a while between updates. But bear with me! I will finish this story!**

 **Again, I love you all. You're the best. Let me know what you think of this thing. Onwards!**

"Unfortunately, one firefighter and the child both died at the scene. It's strange, this is the sort of thing Supergirl shows up for."

"That's right. Now that I think of it-"

"She hasn't been around as much, has she?"

"Nope. Remember the bank robbery last week? The one where the clerk was shot?"

"No call, no show for the Girl of Steel on that one, too."

"Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it? Maybe all these Cadmus rumblings have chased her off…."

I switch the TV off and lean back against the couch. Part of me feels the reporters' words cut deep gouges of guilt, but more of me is just tired. Snapper has been hounding me for exclusive material on Supergirl ("You use her as a source for all your stories, why is she being shy now? Get me something, Ponytail!") James and Winn have been shooting me concerned texts, ("You've been quiet lately. You okay?") and Alex hasn't even acknowledged me except for a curt nod in my direction the last time I was at the DEO.

And that was four days ago. Four long days of waiting for a call I know won't come and feeling the fight, the drive, drain out of me. Four long nights of staring at the ceiling, listening to the sirens and horns and wondering what the point was. I'd caught that plane to save Alex, I became Supergirl to make her proud, to keep her safe, and I lost her anyway.

So I sit on the couch, listen to the honking cars, sirens, shouts and laughter, and I make a decision.

* * *

It doesn't take long to make the arrangements. It's actually pretty scary how easy it is to explain to my super. All she needs to know is that I'm giving up the apartment, no I'm not taking my furniture, yes I'm sure I don't want or need most of my things, and no I'm not going to beg to come back in a week when I realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. Though she does seem a little put out that I'm giving her such short notice.

Winn, on the other hand, isn't so keen on the idea.

"Have you lost your mind?" he exclaims. I give him a pointed glare around the control table and he has the decency to at least lower his voice. "Quit Supergirl? Kara, you _are_ Supergirl. That's not a thing you can just-"

"Yeah, I can, and I am," I snap. "Look, the DEO kept the Earth safe from aliens just fine before I got here. It'll be just fine without Supergirl."

"But… But you love being Supergirl."

I squeeze my eyes shut for a second, the ache coursing through my chest. "Loved," I say, and Winn's face crumples with confusion. "Supergirl was good for a while, but now…" I can't help my eyes shooting up towards the stairs. Where I can hear Alex's heartbeat behind the doors in the training room, elevated with exertion and adrenaline from whatever training she's doing. Sounds like boxing. The bag she's annihilating is going to need replaced soon. "Now I think it's time to just… try something new."

Winn tilts his head with a disbelieving frown. "Something new? Like what?"

I shrug. "Dunno yet. Just… new."

I do know what I'm going to do, but I don't want to tell him.

Winn plops down in his chair, and I sink into mine on the other side of his desk. I drag my toe across the floor and spin idly while he thinks.

"Is this about Alex?" he asks, and my heart twists. "It is, isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're-"

"Come on, Kara, I'm not stupid," Winn says. He jerks his chin at the training room door. "I'm here every day, I know how you two are. And it's been different since Jeremiah. A blind person could see it."

I give him a pathetic excuse for a smile and shrug. "She's allowed to be mad at me, Winn."

"She's allowed to be mad and completely ignore you for weeks? Doesn't sound real sisterly to me."

"I just think it's time I learn to stand on my own two feet," I say quickly. His heartrate is starting to elevate and his cheeks are starting to flush. "Alex has been taking care of me since I got here, I need to do it on my own now."

"Just because Jeremiah turned out to be an a-"

"Winn," I warn.

He rolls his eyes and edits. "- a _jerk_ , that doesn't give her an excuse to give you the cold shoulder. It wasn't your fault."

Oh, how badly I wish that were true. I shrug again. "Regardless, I'm not staying in National City."

Winn gives me a pleading look. "Come on, Kara-"

"Just let me do this, Winn, please," I say. "I just need a change, for my sake. This isn't just about Alex." He doesn't need to know that just being here in the same building as her and yet feeling lightyears apart is killing me. He doesn't need to know that it hurts more than any kryptonite ever could. He doesn't need to know that I'm just trying to save what's left of her family. Give her a chance to be whoever she wants to be.

"You going to tell me where you're going?"

I try to grin playfully. "Where's the fun in that?"

Winn offers a small smile in return, but his eyes are crumpling. "What about us, Kara? Me, James, J'onn… Alex isn't the only one who'd miss you."

I'm really struggling not to cry now. "I know, and I'm sorry, really." God, can I do anything without hurting someone? "I just…" I spin on the chair for an excuse not to look at him. "I just really really don't think I can be here right now. And I'm not saying this is a forever thing. Just… For now."

Winn heaves a deep breath. "If this is what you really want, I guess I can't stop you. But-" he holds up a finger at me. "You have to promise that this isn't permanent. Game night is going to be so lame, I don't think I'll be able to stomach just James's mediocre Mario Kart skills forever."

I chuckle quietly and nod. "Fine. I promise."

In the training room, Alex's punches have stopped. She's taking a drink of her water, ripping the wraps off her hands.

"I gotta go," I say, rising off my chair. Winn's face crumples a little more and my heart throbs. "You promise me you and James will be careful?"

He gives me a salute. "Most careful vigilantes you'll ever see."

Part of the tensions eases away. "Better be," I say.

"You gonna tell Mon-El or…?"

I stifle a groan. That is an entirely other can of worms. One I have no interest in opening. "I guess I'll have to."

"No, don't worry about it," Winn says. "He'll make it harder on you. I'll let him know."

My chest swells with warm gratitude. "Really?"

Winn shrugs with a smile. "Yeah, no worries. Go do your thing. I got this."

I lean over and give him a quick squeeze around his shoulders. "You're the best, Winn."

"And don't you forget it."

"Oh, and one more thing," I say as I back towards the balcony. "Don't tell Alex, okay?"

Winn's brow furrows. "Don't tell…? Why? She's going to freak if you just disappear and-"

"Just don't, okay?" I say. "She'll be fine." _She won't care. She might even be happy about it._ The thought stings.

"Okay…" He draws out the word with a questioning lilt. "If you say so."

"Thanks, Winn. And be careful."

"You too, Supergirl."

I wince at the name, but I can hear Alex twisting the knob on the training room door, about to leave it, and I really don't want her to see me here. So I turn with a last wave to Winn and leap out into the air. Just a couple more things to take care of.

* * *

Snapper isn't happy with my proposal, but he eventually caves to my fake idea to travel from city to city in the US and dig into the rest of the country's opinion about the two Supers in Metropolis and National City. "Maybe you'll learn a thing or two about getting multiple sources," he grumbles. I'm just happy I'll have something to do. Maybe he's right, maybe I will learn some things that I can't here in National City.

Packing the apartment up is a little too easy and too quick. Since most of my things are staying here, it's just a matter of getting it all into boxes and letting the movers deal with the rest. But I don't want all the pictures and things to go to some landfill. The thought makes my throat tight. I grab one of the smaller boxes from the corner, scribble Alex's name on it, and set to work with my jaw clenched.

I never noticed just how many pictures of Alex and her family I had laying around the apartment. They're literally everywhere. Pictures of the four of us, of Eliza and I in the kitchen in Midvale when I was young, pictures of Alex and I after one of her surf competitions or at a science fair she'd dragged me to. I come across all the little notes Alex would leave for me when she came over. Her hasty scrawl was on napkins, post-it notes, little slips of paper all tucked into the corners of the picture frames. With every one that I put in the little box labeled "Alex's" my throat got tighter and the dread in my heart grew heavier. It was a dread that was very quickly turning into a gut-wrenching terror.

In my bedroom, the last frame sits on the bedside table. Alex and I are on the beach, grinning crazily up at the camera with our arms around each other and our cheeks squished together. I can't help staring at it with blurry eyes. I was twelve in this picture, Alex was fourteen. Still getting to know each other.

" _What's wrong with you?" she'd asked as she plopped onto the sand next to me. She propped her chin in her hand and glared sideways at me. "You look like someone spit in your cereal or something."_

 _I dug my finger into the sand, drew pointless doodles into the grain. "Nothing."_

 _Alex nudged me with her elbow. "Crinkle."_

 _I roll my eyes. "It's nothing, really."_

" _Come on, Kara. Something's bothering you. We're on vacation, you're supposed to be having fun, and you're sitting out here moping. What's up?"_

 _I turned to face her, and the warmth in her eyes, the worry there, gave what little courage I had a boost. This alien girl had opened up her home to me, and I found that I wanted to open up my heart to her. "Am I intruding?" I asked._

 _Alex's brow furrowed. "Intruding? On what? We're literally just sitting here on the beach, who are we-"_

" _No, no, I don't mean… Not like that," I stammered with nerves. "I mean, like, with your family. This trip. Your parents were planning it before I… So am I intruding?"_

 _Alex's mouth turned down in a deep frown. "My family…? Kara, you can't intrude on a family trip in_ _ **your own family.**_ _That's kinda the whole point."_

 _She'd said it so easily, so naturally. It had completely blindsided me._

"' _My own family?'" My voice came out little more than a hopeful squeak. "But I thought… I'm just… I'm from another planet, Alex."_

 _Alex shrugged. "So? Doesn't mean we can't be sisters. 'Cause that's what we are. So no more of this 'I'm intruding' stuff. That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard."_

 _I'd nearly broken her ribs with the hug I'd tackled her with, but it was worth it for her laughter and the balloon of warmth that had enveloped my heart. It was the lightest I'd felt since watching Krypton die._

If there was one memory that I would live in for the rest of my life if I could, it would be the one captured in this picture. My lips twitch up slightly just remembering how blissfully happy and… relieved I'd felt that day, knowing I had this human girl's love and acceptance.

I slide the picture out of the frame before my brain catches up to what I'm doing. I tuck it into my back pocket and put the frame into the box with all the others. That's the one memory I will carry with me. It's one of my favorites, and no matter how things have changed now, I don't want to ever forget. I put the now-full box by the front door, and after a long look at the post-its and smiles, I fold it shut.

Just one more thing to do. And now that I know I don't have any excuses to avoid it anymore, I'm cringing away from the thought. The burner phone I'd picked up on my way over from the DEO feels like a brick in my pocket and I don't want to use it. I don't want to make this phone call that I know I have to make.

There are things I have to say to Alex, things I owe it to her to say.

I sit on the couch because I know I won't be able to stand against the weight of what I'm about to do. I hold the phone in my hand, part of me desperately trying to think of a reason to not make this phone call. To be selfish just a little while longer. I'm so afraid it hurts with every breath I take.

I blow out a sigh, then hit the speed dial. I'm being a coward as it is, I know Alex is busy and won't have her phone on her. But I don't think I'm strong enough to say this any other way.

Her voice greets me, apologizing for not being able to come to the phone and asking me to leave a message. I squeeze my eyes shut as agony rips through my heart. It's last time I'll hear my big sister's voice. I already miss her so much.

"Alex?" I say, and it's a wonder how I keep my voice steady. "It's me." Then remembering she won't recognize the number on the ID, I add "It's Kara. Um, I just wanted to call and… um… I have something I have to say and I don't think _…" I don't think you'll listen. I don't think I'm strong enough to say it in person._ "Well, anyway."

"I never told you how sorry I am." My voice is starting to shake, try as I might to control it. I try to swallow the suffocating lump in my throat but it doesn't really work. "I'm really really sorry, Alex. I didn't… I'm… I can't say I wish Clark had chosen another family for me because that's not true. It's selfish of me and I'm so sorry. For your sake, for your family's sake, I do wish he had chosen someone else. I didn't want this for you, or for Eliza… Or Jeremiah. You didn't deserve what happened to you…" No, they deserved so much more than what they got from me. Alex's family was nothing but good to me, and in return they lost Jeremiah. Alex lost the future she wanted.

"Selfishly, I couldn't have asked for a better family though, Alex. Your family was so so good to me, and I can't thank you enough for everything you and your mom have done. I'm so grateful for the time we had and I wish I could… If there was a way I could…"

I fight back a sob, thinking of all the nights Alex and I stayed up late, just talking and telling stories. The huge breakfasts Eliza cooked on the weekends. Trips down to the beach and Alex teaching me how to surf. Watching the stars with my head cushioned on Jeremiah's stomach, Alex's head on my stomach. Pointing out the ones I knew and listening as Jeremiah taught me new ones. Alex dragging me to science fair after science fair. I never told her how I really did love watching her eyes light up with fascination at those stupid things.

But they could have had so much more if I'd never landed on their doorstep.

"If I could fix it, I would. I swear I would. I'm so sorry that I can't." I would absolutely go back and change it if I could. For their sake. For Alex's sake.

I heave a shuddering breath. _Almost there._ "I just… Needed you to hear that. Um, tell your mom thank you for me, okay? And be careful." Just the thought of the trouble she could get into stabs at my heart and nearly takes my breath away. "Please please be careful. And…"

I debate for a moment. Should I say this? Does she want to hear this? Will it even matter to her?

And I decide that I want the last thing my sister hears from me to be the truth. The most important truth. "I'll always love you, Alex."

I pull the phone away, hit the end button, and hurl it against the wall so hard it explodes in a shower of plastic and glass. The agony in my heart is too much. I keel over on the couch with my face buried in the pillow there and can't hold back the sobs anymore. I wrap my arms around my chest, feeling it throb and ache with emptiness, the same emptiness I felt twelve years ago.

And if it's possible, it's worse now than it was then. God, it hurts so much. I want my family back so much and I have to remind myself that it's better, safer, for them. I keep repeating it to myself. They're safer. They're safer.

But another part of me writhes against it. What about me? Why do I have to lose two families, two worlds, all in one lifetime? How is that fair?

How am I supposed to survive it?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: *slowly peeks head out from the abyss* Anyone still here?**

 **My friends, I am so sorry for leaving you hanging for so long. So so sorry. Fire school kicked my butt like you wouldn't believe. But, I am back from the dead and more than ready to keep going with this story. I will warn you, it has been a harder to write this one than Unknown Number. I think I underestimated the magnitude of what Kara felt, and getting into that headspace to write it is kinda tough.**

 **Oh, and season 3 has done a number on my emotions so far, so there's that as well.**

 **Anyhoo, I am so grateful and humbled by all you people who have been patiently waiting for an update to this story. And to those of you who sent me PMs just to check in with me and make sure I wasn't actually dead, you guys made my heart so warm and fuzzy I can't even tell you. I love you all to Krypton and back!**

 **And without further ado, onwards with the story!**

Up in the clouds this high, I can almost pretend that it didn't happen. I can convince myself that this new gaping chasm in my chest will heal, I can pretend that Alex is waiting for me way down there in my apartment. Waiting to start a new episode of Game of Thrones, with pizza and ice cream and hugs and so much love I could suffocate.

Nothing can touch me up here. That's what I tell myself. I dip and dive and spin through the clouds, forcing my eyes to see and appreciate the shapes they make. The way the sun cuts through them and around them in swirls and bursts of color.

I fly and pretend I don't feel the tears streaking across my cheeks and freezing in the thin air. I fly and pretend that the serenity and beauty up here extends to the chaos below.

* * *

The surprise on Clark's face when he opens the door is so priceless I almost smile. His eyes blow wide and his heart thuds hard in his chest. "Kara!"

I lift a sheepish hand. "Hey, cuz." _Rao, I didn't think this through nearly as much as I should have._

He yanks me into a hug before I can get another word out. "Where have you been? Alex called and said-"

"Alex called?" And I hate the way my heart leaps with hope. Hope I immediately squash down the best I can. "Why?"

Clark releases me and raises a confused brow. "Why wouldn't she? You just left without a word, no one's heard from you-"

"Is that Kara?"

My heart jumps again at how similar Lois sounds to her sister, and a tiny smile turns my lips when Lois peeks over Clark's shoulder with wide eyes. "Hi, Lois."

Lois shoves Clark out of her way and clasps me in a hug so fierce I think she'd have broken something if I was human. And then it's a flurry of "Where have you been?" and "Let's get you set up in the guest room," and fitting sheets and pillows on the spare bed and tucking what little clothes I brought with me into the drawers and closet.

I haven't even asked to stay. A bit of warmth seeps into the cracks in my heart.

And bless Lois's soul, she doesn't ask any questions, even though I'm certain the journalist in her is burning with them.

"Well," she says when we've finally tossed my last pair of socks into the dresser. "If I'm going to be feeding both of you bottomless pits for a while, I've got to go back to the store. Maybe I should just buy it."

Clark gives her a sweet smile and a nod, and I don't miss the silent communication that passes between them.

It makes my heart ache for Alex.

It also makes dread pool in my stomach. There are questions coming for me as soon as Lois is gone, I'm sure of it.

"And bring pizza back please!" Clark calls after her as she retreats toward the door. Lois shoots him an annoyed look just before it clicks shut and she's gone.

The silence is deafening after the half hour of constant chatter Lois had kept up. I'm only realizing right now that neither Clark nor I had contributed much to the conversation.

"Why haven't you married her yet?" I say. "She's awesome." My attempt at levity falls far flat.

But Clark still smiles. "Oh don't worry, I plan to."

I narrow my eyes at him playfully. "I don't see a ring on her, mister."

Clark chuckles and plops down next to me on the couch. "What, you going to make a move on her if I don't?"

I shrug and knock my shoulder against his. "If you don't hurry up I might."

Clark chuckles again. "Sure, sure, okay, Supergirl."

I flinch as a spike of agony shoots through my chest. I try to cover it up as a squirm to get more comfortable in the cushions, but one look at Clark tells me he is not fooled.

After a beat of more stifling silence, he murmurs, "Kara, I don't understand."

I have to force myself to not wince. I don't want to talk about this, I don't want to explain. I don't want to say the words.

It'll make it too real.

"What happened?" he asks gently when I don't say anything.

I shrug and clear my tightening throat. "Nothing you don't already know."

"Well, something obviously happened if Alex is calling me and asking me if I've heard from you."

Oh how my heart thuds with hope that I desperately beat back. "Look, we just had a fight. We both needed a little space, so…" I throw my arms out and force a tiny grin. "I thought I'd visit my dear dear cousin."

Clark's eyes narrow suspiciously and my heart sinks further. "You've fought before and you didn't feel the need to come. Why is it after Jeremiah-"

"I just need a place to be for a little while, Clark, okay?" I can't talk about this anymore. I can't. "So just… Please. We fought, it was bad. That's it. Okay?"

Clark regards me silently for a moment, staring at me like he's using his x-ray vision on me. I try to seem unconcerned, like a family member should be when visiting just for the sake of visiting. But I know he'll see through it, x-ray vision or not.

I never was a very good liar.

My heart hurts too much for it to not be written all over my face.

But whatever Clark does see, he keeps it to himself. He just surges forward and wraps his arms around me. He holds me to his chest so tight I feel like I might melt into him. I have to close my eyes against the sudden urge to cry at the sensation of being protected, of feeling small next to my bear of a cousin.

"I still think you should call your sister. She sounded really-"

I shake my head against him. "No, she's fine. Just let her be."

"Kara she was-"

"Just leave her alone, okay?"

Clark huffs unhappily, squeezes me so tight I think I might pop, then lets go of me. "I don't like lying to her. When she finds out - " he levels a glare at me – " and she will, she's going to kill me."

I poke his shoulder. "You're literally bulletproof."

"And she still scares me."

I almost laugh at the mental image of the great Superman cowering before my much smaller and very human sister. But I have to give it to him. She can be very scary.

"So," I say as the ache pulses and breathes. "Best save you've had in the last week. Go."

Clark scrutinizes me for a split second and I think he's going to keep pushing me about Alex. I'm already calculating my dive out the window if he does.

A tiny smirk quirks his lips. "I had to rescue The Bat from one of the other Bats a couple days ago."

He says it with such a straight face and deadpan voice that I have to chuckle a little. "I want to hear that story," I say. I nestle a bit farther into the couch and pull a pillow into my lap. "Don't leave anything out." I know I'm in the clear, at least for now.

I listen to Clark as he regales the tale, along with a few others, trying really hard (and not quite succeeding, but trying counts for something right?) to convince myself that I don't feel the rippling of the tear in my chest.

And I keep trying when Lois comes back an hour later with arms loaded with groceries and a promise of pizza on the way.

She eyes Clark when she thinks I'm not looking and he gives her a tiny shake of the head. I pretend I don't notice.

And I'm still trying when we're sitting down for pizza (I only manage two slices before it starts tasting like ashes and missed Sister Nights) and Clark casually mentions a team-up, like we did when he was in National City earlier this year. The gentle rippling turns into crashing waves and I suddenly feel naked and lost without the suit underneath my shirt.

"You know what," I say as I scoot my chair back from the table. I have to reach a hand back to catch it before it goes tumbling to the floor, and I feel a bit of the wood crumble beneath my fingers. "I think I'm gonna go to bed."

Clark's eyes immediately soften. "But it's only eight o'clock." It's only a half-hearted attempt and we all know it.

"I want to get an early start tomorrow morning," I say, pushing the chair back in with overt gentleness. "I'm working on this thing for Snapper and I need to get going on it ASAP. Early bird gets the worm, and all that."

Before I can make my escape, Lois is up out of her chair and wrapping her arms around my shoulders. At first, I want to flinch away because she's holding me so softly, so tenderly, and I think I might start crying.

And if I start crying, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

But getting louder and louder is the part of me that just wants to be held. Comforted. So I let my head rest against her shoulder and my hands come up to her back. I don't squeeze, not like I did with Clark, but its just as warm and safe as his embrace had been.

"It'll be okay, kid," Lois murmurs in my ear, so quietly Clark probably barely heard it. I nod a little erratically, and force myself to let go of her.

"See you both in the morning," I mumble and head toward the guest room. "And thanks," I add, turning back but not quite making eyes contact with either one of them. "For, you know, letting me be here."

"Anytime, Kara," Clark says, and Lois nods.

Feeling strangely warm and yet oh so cold at the same time, I retreat into the guest room and shut the door.

* * *

It's funny, I probably picked the worst place to run to.

That night I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, afraid to close my eyes, and listen as Clark and Lois tap on their phones. Surely texting about me since they obviously can't speak without me listening in.

Not that I want to.

Actually, all I want to do is go flying. But I can't really do that either, since Clark will hear me leave and he is one of the few who could actually follow me if he wanted to. And I think he would follow me. He's protective enough for it.

So… I'm stuck.

So I stare at the ceiling and listen to the city that doesn't sound anything like mine and try with everything I have in me to not feel like an alien.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: OH MY GOD GUYS I'M SO SORRY!**

 **So, I really have no excuse for completely disappearing for so long. A lot has happened in the last few months, LIKE A LOT HAS HAPPENED, and writing took a back seat. And also, this story is so freaking heavy that it started to kinda mess with my own emotional strength so I had to take a step back for a bit. And then life kinda just... happened. Like it does. But I never stopped thinking about this story and wanting to get back to it.**

 **SO! All that being said, I hope you guys can forgive me. I'm going to make an effort to really get this going again and hopefully get it done before the next season starts. I have a few ideas of where the themes might take it and there are things that I want to write before the show beats me to it. lol**

 **Also, life update: I MET CHYLER AND NATHAN LAST WEEKEND AND I'M TELLING YOU WHAT THEY ARE THE SWEETEST MOST AMAZING PEOPLE. And Chyler gives the absolute best hugs even though she is TINY. I thought I was gonna crush her! lol**

 **Anyhoo, enough rambling from me. To all of you who have checked in with me over the past few months, I love you all so much for that. And to the ones who have commented asking me to continue, I see you! And thank you all for waiting and wanting me to continue. Knowing that there are people out there who care about this side of the story is what makes me want to write it. So thank you to all of you. Much love to you.**

 **Onwards!**

Clark and Lois are still burning with questions when I join them in the kitchen the next morning. I catch them shooting concerned and questioning looks at each other as I shuffle in with mumbled good mornings and make a beeline for the milk and cereal.

I'm swirling my spoon around soggy Rice Crispies, contemplating dumping the whole thing down the sink when Clark clears his throat loudly. "So," he says cheerfully. "You said last night that you had a thing you were working on for Snapper, but you never really elaborated."

"Oh yeah, that," I say with a final swish of my spoon. The little crispies are beyond gross now. "It's just a thing." I get up to dump the half-empty bowl.

"A thing," Clark says.

"Yup, just a thing." I noisily put the bowl and spoon in the dishwasher.

"… What kind of thing?"

I roll my eyes. "I'm a reporter, Clark. What kind of thing do you think it is?"

Clark holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm just wondering if there's anything I could help you with, that's all. You weren't real clear last night-"

"You don't need to worry," I say. I superspeed back to my room, into an outfit, and back to the door. "It's just some questions for a… puff piece of sorts."

Clark and Lois exchange another swift glance. "Can I at least tell Alex-"

"Don't," I snap as I wrench the door open. "Leave her alone."

"You keep saying that, but you're not telling me why. And-"

I open my mouth to retaliate, but Lois puts a hand on Clark's arm. "Leave it," she murmurs.

Clark eyes her like he's about to argue, but relents with a barely audible breath. "Fine," he huffs. "Just, whatever it is, make sure you're careful."

I'm out the door before he's even done talking. Part of me feels a little guilty, but I can't bring myself to care enough.

Even I know that what I'm about to do is a bit risky, even for me.

* * *

I end up in a tiny café on the outskirts of Cleveland.

(Flying without the suit had felt all kinds of wrong, but it was just too heavy.)

I open my laptop, link up with the wifi, and pull up the old trusty Google. In the search bar, I type in "opinions of Supers" and get a pretty hefty list of articles and web pages. Most of them with words like "deportation" and "dangerous." From newspapers like the New York Times, CNN, and an explosion of posts from social media.

The remains of my heart splinter just a little more.

If this is the public opinion of Clark and I, this is going to be the quickest and most disappointing assignment of my life.

"Hoo boy," I mumble as I click on the first link. It takes me to a very colorful page, full of angry words ("ruining everything," "don't belong," "go back") and doctored pictures of terrifying-looking monsters that almost make me smile.

I can almost hear Alex scoffing at the absurdity and inaccuracy of these imagined monsters splashed all over my computer screen.

I stay there for a few hours, clicking my way through a host of websites calling for the removal, even extermination, of other-worldly immigrants, not just Clark and I. In another time I know I would feel sad about it, grumble about the unfairness of it and take my frustrations out on a car with James. Or kick Winn's butt at Mario Kart.

More than anything, I just want to talk to Alex.

I slam the laptop shut and stuff it back into my bag. I toss a ten down on the table for the one cup of coffee I had and I'm out the door.

Up in the clouds, I sear the words into my brain, try to brand them into my heart. If I'm going to write this article the way I wrote about Slaver's Moon, the way I wrote about Lena, I know I need to _feel_ it the way I did back then. Feel the raw injustice, protectiveness, and drive to stand between their heat and those who would be burned up by it.

I fly and think and push the words into my soul.

I barely feel a tug.

* * *

And so it goes. A different café in a different city every day. I scroll through endless websites, jotting down names and locations, reading increasingly inflammatory essays and articles about the dangers that aliens pose to society. Calls for action, calls for restrictions and deportations.

I try to make myself feel interested, even a little bit invested. But the words just roll right off of me. I sit until the deepest hours of the morning at the kitchen table at Clark's, half-listening to the unfamiliar heartbeat of Metropolis as I try to string words together in a mostly blank word doc.

Even to my own eyes, the words are bland and dead in comparison the flames I've been staring at in the random cafes.

"Have you spoken to anyone yet?" Snapper demands one evening, about two weeks after I arrive in Metropolis, when I use yet another burner phone that I picked up to call him for an update. "You know you can't get all your facts from the Internet. I know how you millennials think everything on the internet is true but-"

"I've got something set up with a Mr. Reynolds tomorrow afternoon," I interrupt. I pace back and forth in front of the windows, sharing eye rolls with Lois while Clark stirs a pot of noodles. "According to his website, he has a group that operates nearby and they-"

"And where exactly is nearby? Actually, you know what, I don't care. Just get the story, Ponytail. And not from Google," Snapper barks. "Make it colorful, make it true. Got it?"

"Okay, but-"

 _Click_.

I let my head fall back with a groan and toss the phone onto the couch.

"Miss Cat yet?" Clark laughs from the kitchen.

"More and more every day," I grumble as I plop down into a chair at the table. I bury my face in my crossed arms. "Why does he have to be so… so… ugh."

Both Lois and Clark laugh. "Sounds like Perry," Lois says. She slides into the chair to my right. "I know your pain. What does he have you chasing, anyway?"

I hesitate a second too long. "Just… some long term alien stuff he wanted me to research."

I can feel the tension roll off Clark even without lifting my face from my elbows. "What alien stuff?" he asks casually.

I shrug and remain hidden. "Just some, like, opinions and… stuff."

"Opinions on what?"

I look up to glare at him. "How much longer till there's food?"

He turns away from the stove and shoots a glare right back at me. "Why do you keep dodging this?" he demands.

"Because it's not important. It's just an article."

"Yeah, and I've read your articles. You don't do 'not important.'"

"It's really not a big deal," I say. "He just wants to know what people's opinions are of aliens being here, that's all."

Clark finally moves the pasta from the stove to the sink, letting the water drain. "And you don't think it's a bit risky? You writing it?"

"As long as I don't mention… _that_ , I don't think we'll have a problem." And at his sidelong, pointed look, I roll my eyes. "I'm not dumb, Clark."

He starts spooning out huge dollops of spaghetti noodles onto three plates. "I never said you were, I just-"

"Can we please not talk about it then?" I say. I grab the plate that Clark holds out to me, dump a mound of sauce and meatballs on top, and dig in before he can get another word in.

Clark huffs, Lois keeps glancing nervously between the two of us, but he doesn't ask again. The tension is so thick I can practically swim in it. And if I'm being honest, it's been growing ever since I got here.

That night, I dream of endless black space, a shared bedroom, a midnight flight, and an empty apartment.

* * *

As it turns out, not mentioning _that_ is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I sit across the booth from a clean shaven, wild-eyed man with my pad out, but I can barely concentrate enough to write down half of what he's saying.

Most of my energy is going into not throwing him into the sun.

"Y'know, eveyone's so worried about all the human people coming over the border and taking jobs and whatnot, but has anyone even stopped to think about what the space aliens will take if we let them? Who knows what kind of culture they'll bring! And diseases!" He gestulates wildly with a hand and I snatch my coffee out of harms way. "And what if they decide that humans taste like a dish they had back home? What then?"

"Have you ever really… met an alien before, Mr. Reynolds?" I ask. Part of me wants to smile at the irony. "I mean, really talked with one? I think you'll find that most of them are pretty uninterested in using humans in their cuisine."

Mr. Reynods leans towerd me with narrowed eyes. "The point is, we don't know anything about who we are inviting onto our planet," he says in a slightly more subdued, controlled tone. "The President just lets them all wander around as they please, regardless of the consequences. It's irresponsible and, if you ask me, dangerous."

"So then do you agree with what Cadmus is calling for?" I ask. "Do you think all aliens should be exterminated?"

Mr. Reynolds shrugs. "If that's what it takes to keep our people safe, then yes."

I nod and scribble it down. "And what about the aliens who have family here? Who have been… adopted, so to speak, by the people of this earth? Would you take them away from the only home they've known?"

Mr. Reynolds laughs. "You subtly trying to ask what I think should be done with the Supers since the whole world seems to love them?"

I force a chuckle of my own. "You could say that, sure. What do you think?"

He glares a little more dangerously. "I think Cadmus hit it right on the nose with those two," he says. "That power? We're stupid to have allowed not one, but _two_ of them onto our soil. If it were up to me, I'd take out the both of them."

It takes a conscious effort to not throw my coffee mug at his stupid face.

"But they're people too, Mr. Reynolds," I manage to grit out with some semblance of civilty.

And he has the gall to throw back his head and _laugh_. "Well, Miss Danvers, I think the term "people" is subjective," he says. "And by Earth standards, these Supers aren't."

"Why do you get to decide that?" I say. "They put themselves out on the line for-"

" _He_ puts himself out on the line," Mr. Reynolds says as he waves a finger at me. "Supergirl hasn't been seen in a few weeks, has she?"

That pit in my stomach grows heavier. "I'm sure she has her reasons."

Mr. Reynolds leans back in his seat with a satisfied smirk. "Or she's finally gotten the hint. She's not welcome here anymore. Now all that's left is to get her cousin to realize the same, and the rest will follow. No alien will dare to set foot on American soil if the great Supers are chased out, will they?"


End file.
